Affectionate Then Temper Tantrums

Melanie Miller explains:

• Check your own feelings first; anger often hides hurt or disbelief.
• The child’s hurtful words usually express underlying feelings of hurt or not belonging.
• Tantrums are purposeful behaviors signaling unmet emotional needs.
• Recognize that the quick shifts between affectionate and hurtful behavior are normal but need guidance.

• Calmly acknowledge the child’s hurt: “Your behavior tells me that you must feel hurt. Can we talk about that?”
• Allow him to express anger in non-hurtful ways and give permission to feel upset.
• Model how to express hurt feelings appropriately and share your own experiences.
• Avoid punishment; it can create cycles of revenge. Focus on solutions instead.
• Use reflective listening and curiosity questions: ask “what and how” to understand his feelings and intentions.
• Model mistakes and make amends openly; celebrate learning from errors together.
• Consistency, patience, and empathy are key for addressing these emotional outbursts.