Positive Discipline - Jealous Firstborn & Toddler Aggression

Penny Davis explains:

• Firstborn children are accustomed to undivided parental attention. The arrival of a sibling changes this dynamic, causing jealousy.
• Young children often perceive love as finite. Acting out is their way to reclaim attention and significance.
• Hitting and biting are developmentally typical behaviors at this age; punishment alone is rarely effective.
• Understanding the child’s perspective helps make sense of the behavior instead of labeling it as “bad”.

• Acknowledge feelings: “It’s hard having a little brother sometimes, isn’t it?” or “Sometimes you wish it was just you and me and daddy.”
• Reassure love: “I love you just as much as before.”
• Redirect anger proactively: “It looks like you are getting mad—would you like a mad dance or some quiet time in the rocking chair? You choose.”
• Treat hitting/biting as mistakes and guide him to repair: “Ow, that hurt! What can you do to help my arm feel better?” Encourage gentle actions like a kiss or ice pack.
• Use calm modeling: Children learn to regulate emotions by observing adults who remain consistent and composed.

• Spend one-on-one time with the eldest when the younger sibling is absent.
• Engage him in household tasks (setting the table, food prep, folding laundry) to foster belonging and significance.
• Offer choices to empower: “Would you like cereal or toast?” or “Pick up toys before or after bath?”
• Model calm and constructive behavior consistently—discipline is teaching, not punishment.
• Understand sibling adjustment takes time; children learn valuable life skills from interacting with siblings.
• Include moments of play and special projects where he can help the younger sibling to build cooperation and pride.
• Provide a designated “safe space” (playpen, special chair) where the older child can retreat without the younger sibling interfering.

• Positive Discipline: The First Three Years — Jane Nelsen
• Positive Discipline for Preschoolers — Jane Nelsen
• Jane Nelsen’s “Candle Story” to help manage jealousy in firstborns.