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Success at School Begins at Home
Article based on the work of Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D, Lynn Lott, LMFT, et.al.
The "Four C's"
Before children can learn their “three R’s”, they need the vital protections provided by the “four C’s”; Connection, Capability, Counting and Courage. (Kottman, 1999)
A child who can connect with others (connection), can take care of oneself (capable), feel valued by others (counting), and have courage, have a greater opportunity to grow up responsible, productive, cooperative, self-reliant, resilient, resourceful, contributing, and happy. (Kottman 1999) And you guessed it, do better academically!
Capability
Which child feels more capable? Which child is going to walk into their classroom with confidence and a feeling that they can contribute and be an important part of their classroom and their learning?
What message are you giving to your child?
- Stop doing for children what they can do for themselves: What are you doing for your child that developmentally, he or she can do on their own?
- Have faith in your children: Have faith that they are capable. When you want to step in and do something for them that they can do for themselves, ask yourself, “Am I acting from faith or from fear?”
- Allow your children to ask for help….instead of just jumping in when they are struggling. Give them the dignity to be capable of doing the task themselves. ASK if they would like to do the activity together or by themselves.
- Actions speak louder than words: We can tell our kids over and over again….”you can do it, you’re smart, you’re capable”. But do our actions voice those same words?
- Allow your child to contribute to the family: If your child likes to cook, give him meaningful way to contribute to a family meal. Gives him jobs that truly make your task easier; not just jobs that keep him busy while you actually prepare the meal!
- Believe that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn: When your child makes a mistake….celebrate! Acknowledge the mistake and ask your child what they learned from it. Ask them to help you with a solution on how to repair the mistake. Children feel better when they’re not just part of the problem (the mistake), but part of the solution (the repair).
- Model making mistakes….Take yourself lightly. Say “whoops, I made a mistake”. Share what you learned and voice your solution for repairing it. At dinner time have everyone share a mistake they made during the day, and how they repaired it.
- Brainstorm household chores (contributions) with your kids: Create a routine for getting the chores done. Along with the boring, menial chores, allow children to do chores that once were only adult chores. Remember when your five year old couldn’t wait to sweep the floor? That was a job only for adults!
So, when your child heads off to school, give them a big hug and a kiss. Tell them to take risks, get messy and make lots of mistakes. And when they come back home and tell you about the difficult day they had…..Give them a hug and listen, listen, listen. Tell them you have faith in them and you know they will find solution!
by Melanie R. Miller, M.Ed.,
School Counselor, Parent Educator, Certified Positive Discipline Associate